A whole new world...
I have so many things floating around in my head that I'm going to just start processing them here to kind of vent and streamline some of the questions I'm getting. I will be sharing mostly from a mom/parent perspective as to respect the privacy of my preteen boy who was just diagnosed on 3/3/2020 with Type 1 diabetes. I still can't believe it.
It's been a week. But it feels like a lot longer. We're in a weird daze because he was diagnosed out of town. We came home to immediately grieve my dad as it was 1 year from his sudden passing from lung cancer and the following day, we took my grandfather's ashes into the wilderness and said goodbye. I had the chance to sob my eyes out on my mom and sister's shoulders. The first time I'd really cried about Cooper.
He's upstairs sleeping still. We're all really tired from the constant sleep interruptions. I snuck into his bedroom at 1am, 3am and 7am to poke his finger and test his blood sugar (and if I'm really honest, to check that he was breathing). He is so gentle and sweet and kind which is both heartbreaking and a huge blessing.
My abs are sore this morning from crying myself to sleep last night. I had a panic moment because his blood sugar was high and I didn't feel right giving him another injection so soon and I didn't feel right going to sleep. I went to my FB group for T1D mamas and papas and they reassured me to wait and let the insulin do its thing. But the fact that I had to ask strangers how to take care of my child was just too much and I LOST it. It all came flooding out.
Why him? Why us? Why now? What will life be like now? How will it be different than what I had planned? Will he be happy? Healthy? Depressed? A warrior? Resentful? Will he use this to be a better man? Will it shape and mold him for good or bad?
I eventually fell asleep. I dreamed about the Psalm of David that I read to the boys before bed. That Jesus was leading me beside still waters and giving me green pastures to lie down and rest. Maybe we're just on our way there. Maybe it's just over that next hill. Maybe I'll see it next month or next year and maybe Cooper will see it first. But I'm going to keep holding God's hand and follow his lead. Because EVEN THIS does not make me doubt that my God is not good.
I appreciate all the texts and calls and messages. So many are going unanswered and I'm giving myself permission to not sweat it. You all know I love you. Until the next rant...